I probably didn’t have alcohol poisoning and I doubt anyone slipped me a roofie. Unlike my husband, who says it was probably the 17 drinks I had, I am pretty sure I only had about 12. Vodka. Why can’t I quit you? (Or tequila. Or whiskey. Or rum. OR RIPPLE IF IT’S OFFERED.)
Friday night the girls and I headed to Chevy’s for a birthday dinner (because we’re fancy. Also we needed someplace low-key enough where we could be our usual rambunctious selves and not receive death threats (or threats to be put out, whichever.) I had corn chowder soup that was heavy on corn, light on chowder, but it was actually tasty. I didn’t like the quesadillas I’d ordered, though, so I didn’t eat much of those. Even though I’d made dinner before I left home, being mother extraordinaire that I am (domestication rules!), I didn’t eat any of it because we had extra kids and there’s no buzzkill like that of a hungry, just-visiting child. I had two margaritas plus a few sips from neighboring drinks because vodka. Pay attention.
We drove down the road to party because we are still of party age – of course we are - and I can’t not dance once the invitation has been extended (seriously, click on that link; that one was funny.) I had another margarita. And then I danced. And then I had…something else. Was that a vodka gimlet? A mint julep (“What fantasy is this? Are we hearing voices now like Joan of Arc?” in my Sadie Shelton voice.) I sipped from every drink upon the bar and then I danced some more and wondered why it takes so damn much for me to get tipsy. WHY? I’m just a lil’ ol’ thing. Hours later I was at home still wondering why I can’t throw back two shots and have a buzz, why I have to get the absolute total amount of Novocain to not feel dental work, why I had to have two damn epidurals with the first kid. It’s just wrong.
At 3:00 a.m. I fell into bed thinking about my Listen To Your Mother audition the next day. I still hadn’t decided what to read (OK, I still hadn’t written anything.) At 6:08 my eyes popped open. Something was wrong. What is this, what is this feeling, why do I need to — and I ran to the downstairs bathroom not wanting to have my family hear me hurl before the sun came up (would it have been better if the sun were already up? Doesn’t matter; it was still coming out hours later when the sun was officially there to stay.) I lay upon the sofa until 9:30 when the boy finally peeled himself from the bed (and I am thankful for that usually never happening occurrence.) I dragged myself from the sofa back to bed where I remained until well past noon (with random trips to the bathroom.)
Chevy’s! Chevy’s poisoned me. I should call and complain. They served me bad cheese! But then I remembered that my leftovers went home with Lee and she wasn’t sick so…
The audition! I’m not going to make it. Then here comes Shirley’s loud ass:
Get up.
I can’t; I’m sick.
Get up. You asked for this, you got it. Get. Up!
I can’t; I’m going to throw up all over them while I try to read.
Get some Pepto, have some applesauce and Gatorade, but you will get out of this bed. And maybe stop it with the vodka.
You hate me.
Even though my sister-in-law did not want to drive me an hour away to Gaithersburg (don’t deny it; I know and I thank you for doing it anyway), we made it there. I’d found an old blog post to read that I thought was fairly funny, I showered, and my sister brought me ginger ale and Pepto. I HAD NOT CONSIDERED WHAT THE MOTION OF THE CAR WOULD DO TO ME OMG OMG PULL OVER BEFORE I BLOW CHUNKS ON THE DASHBOARD AND POSSIBLY IN MY PURSE.
I did not vomit. I did not need the car to be pulled over. I breathed. I put on my game face and the directors laughed in all the right places. I was buoyed thinking I’d done well. And the minute I walked out the door back to the car the charade was over. Please just get me back home. I remained in the bed until well into the following morning, only leaving for the bathroom and applesauce. I lived this way, existing on applesauce, water, and bananas until Monday afternoon. This wasn’t the alcohol. I know what too much drink feels like. This was a food/viral combination and I don’t ever want to see it again.
Shut up, Shirley.
Oh, by the way, I guess my reading was funny. I’m a part of the LTYM DC cast and am in excellent company. Way to be awarded for holding back vomit.
This is fantastic news! And SO funny that you were hung over…not really…because do you not remember the days when we didn’t get those? :-) Although, 12 drinks would pretty much do anyone in I think. :-) Congrats!!!!
I DO remember those days. Where are they? Why have they gone? Also, the tired. The drink used to make me energetic whereas now 20 minutes after a damn cooler I’m looking for a pillow and a blanket. Just let me lay here.
your body is telling you something, but your brain isn’t listening.
Thanks, Nicole; I’m really excited.
Oh shoot…I missed the part about the virus…yikes! Well then…that’s not cool. I just re-read the end part….Sorry mama!
LOL…Congrats! My friend MrsTDJ also made the cast :) I’m looking forward to it.
Thanks, Nae. It’s going to be so cool. I can’t wait to meet your friend.
This is hilarious and I CANNOT wait to be in the cast with you!
We are gonna have so much fun.
Congrats!! Way to go, girl. My audition’s tomorrow. I’m staying away from
Chevy’s and vodka. ;)
Oooooh good luck! I know you will rock the hell out of it. NO TORTILLAS AND NO SPIRITS (until you’re done.)
Thanks!! I’m gonna try! Dammit…I already blew it. Had a shrimp taco and a margarita for lunch. Was it the power of suggestion? ha! Pray I don’t get shellfish poisoning. I hope you’re feeling better!
Mmmmmm margarita. And I KNOW you’ll be great.
Yes!!!!!!!! You did it!
And you’re a brave woman. :-)
I don’t think I’d have been able to forgive myself if I hadn’t pushed through. And thank you!
You my dear, are my hero.
I have no words of awesomeness other than I am so proud of your drinking abilites…I mean LTYM. I am so so proud xoxo
It’s funny how I try to downplay stuff and oh, it’s no big deal. But you know what? Fuck that, it is. Recognition is wonderful. I’ll take it.
Congratulations! I had to bail on my audition due to the flu. If I had been in my first 24 hours I hope I would have barreled through too. Hope you are feeling better!
Boooooo! DOWN WITH GERMS!
Congratulations on LTYM!
Thanks, Alison; I’m really excited.
So looking forward to working with you on this!
Thanks, Kate; I can’t stop giggling.
Well, after all of that, I’m glad you made the cast! (And what a guilt trip for Kate and Stephanie if you hadn’t, am I right?) ;)
So excited to be a part of this with you!
I cannot WAIT to meet you! And I am so proud of you for pushing through your fear.
who wouldn’t pick YOU…drunk or not? ;)
I can’t wait to hear your reading..and wish you all kinds of luck and WATER, lots of WATER. ;)
xo
You maketh me blush. *grabs water bottle*
I think you should read this, it’s hilarious! Congrats.
Thankyouverymuch (said really Elvisy).
So damn happy for you!!!! Wish I could fly-out and see you perform!
If you truly wanted to see aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall of this (grandiose arm gesture around of all of mah body) you’d find a way.
Congratulations!
Thank you, Korinthia. I am really enjoying your blog (and lamenting the fact that I know about it, but never take my girls to Home Depot Saturday workshops (and that there isn’t a Target close enough to let them walk to for milk.))
I can’t wait to see your performance! It’s bound to be hilarious after a post like this.
Way to go!
Thank you, Kristin!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! I’m not the least bit surprised. I don’t know how your tiny body can handle 12 drinks though…..:)
It’s so wrong, Angie. I should be good with 2, 2 tops! But nooooooooooooooo. And thank you. Why is it so easy to believe no one was surprised, yet be TOTALLY SURPRISED myself?
Congratulations! (And I can’t say that I’m surprised that anything you wrote wouldn’t be fantastic – stomach virus/food poisoning and all.)
My stomach is nowhere near as strong as it used to be, whether it’s drink, food, or virus. In the future I will have to remember the temporary cure of the Pepto/Gatorade/applesauce cocktail.
Kristen, I think it’s called the BRAT diet (usually for diarrhea, but I figure it works for the other end, too: bananas, rice, applesauce, tea.) I adapted it for what I thought would stay down. Tea and rice had NO appeal. And thank you; I’m so excited.
You so, so, SO deserve this. The LYTM thing, not the vomit thing.
No one deserves the vomit thing. Well, some do, but we aren’t going to focus on them. THANK YOU!
I’m SO glad you didn’t vomit, but oh my word…could there BE worse timing? Congratulations!!! I can’t wait to see you on youtube!
Thank you, Greta. Woudln’t that have been awful? Spewing at an audition? I’m glad I was able to hold it in but I’ll tell you, that car ride had made it so much worse.
Wow! So excited for you. I am still contemplating my submission for LTYM – Providence. I am so scared though!
I can’t drink now without a couple of Red Bulls (sugar free because I save the calories for my Alki-hol). It also makes me feel very Lindsey Lohan-ish.
And now you can never eat corn chowder again. That’s sort of super sad.
You can be scared but still submit it! You must. And believe me, I’ll eat chowder again. If I can eat Chipotle again, I can brave soup.