Sometimes, I want to ask an official at the gas, water, or electric company to switch houses with me so each can see how preposterous the bills are: gas — still cold; water — when was the last time I showered?; electric — ain’t nothing on!
Sometimes, I eavesdrop on my neighbors.
Sometimes, I put on makeup when I have nowhere to go.
Sometimes, I wear the same black pants three times a week. They’re black. I have several pair that look the same, so I’m not sure why you’re making that face.
Sometimes, I forget to buy deodorant, use his, then at random points during my work day, look around to find out why he’s there BECAUSE I SMELL HIM.
Sometimes, my friends save me more often than they will ever realize or I’ll ever be able to convince them is true.
Sometimes, I people watch and make up stories for their life (like the girl in linen pants in winter. Maybe her jealous roommate cut up all her Banana Republic 100% wool, fully lined pants.)
Sometimes, even though I know it’s wrong and I’d never do it, I don’t think negatively about people, down on their luck, who get credit cards/accounts in their child’s name.
Sometimes, I drink my breakfast.
Sometimes, I pray so hard to hit the lottery so that I can take care of family and friends, but damn, I’d be an awesome philanthropist.
Sometimes, I think I’ll eventually learn to swim but then I remember I AM FUCKING SCARED OF THE WATER.
Sometimes, I look at where my garden would be and I wonder where the vegetables are. I have to remind myself that I ain’t planted nothin’.
Sometimes, when I read status updates on Facebook, I want to say SHUT UP.
Sometimes I wish there was a specific date one had to reach in order to get pregnant. Like, a switch in our bodies that just didn’t allow it until a minimum of 25.
Sometimes, I want to go back to school for a PhD.
Sometimes, when I get bills for my student loans, I want to write Return to Sender Because Recession, Bitches.
Sometimes, when bill collectors call, I speak Spanish. When a Spanish speaking rep gets on, I speak English.
Sometimes, when bill collectors call, I let them talk to the boy. He has lots to say about his butt.
Sometimes, I have Brussels sprouts for breakfast.
Sometimes, I wonder about all the scary movies I’ve purposely not seen because hello, I’ve already seen The Exorcist.
Sometimes, I want to upgrade my phone but can’t convince myself the amount is worth it.
Sometimes, I hate having to choose a lower priced item that ultimately proves to be lower quality but — LOWER PRICE.
Sometimes, I get angry about the amount of information about my life that others can access (example: requesting a credit report and Equifax asks if I have a cousin with the last name of ________. WHAT? I haven’t talked to her in 8 years. How is that person even connected to me credit-wise?)
Sometimes I say I’m done with something that I know is not good for me, and well, no.