Sometimes

Sometimes, I want to ask an official at the gas, water, or electric company to switch houses with me so each can see how preposterous the bills are: gas — still cold; water — when was the last time I showered?; electric — ain’t nothing on!

Sometimes, I eavesdrop on my neighbors.

Sometimes, I put on makeup when I have nowhere to go.

Sometimes, I wear the same black pants three times a week. They’re black. I have several pair that look the same, so I’m not sure why you’re making that face.

Sometimes, I forget to buy deodorant, use his, then at random points during my work day, look around to find out why he’s there BECAUSE I SMELL HIM.

Sometimes, my friends save me more often than they will ever realize or I’ll ever be able to convince them is true.

Sometimes, I people watch and make up stories for their life (like the girl in linen pants in winter. Maybe her jealous roommate cut up all her Banana Republic 100% wool, fully lined pants.)

Sometimes, even though I know it’s wrong and I’d never do it, I don’t think negatively about people, down on their luck, who get credit cards/accounts in their child’s name.

Sometimes, I drink my breakfast.

Sometimes, I pray so hard to hit the lottery so that I can take care of family and friends, but damn, I’d be an awesome philanthropist.

Sometimes, I think I’ll eventually learn to swim but then I remember I AM FUCKING SCARED OF THE WATER.

Sometimes, I look at where my garden would be and I wonder where the vegetables are. I have to remind myself that I ain’t planted nothin’.

Sometimes, when I read status updates on Facebook, I want to say SHUT UP.

Sometimes I wish there was a specific date one had to reach in order to get pregnant. Like, a switch in our bodies that just didn’t allow it until a minimum of 25.

Sometimes, I want to go back to school for a PhD.

Sometimes, when I get bills for my student loans, I want to write Return to Sender Because Recession, Bitches.

Sometimes, when bill collectors call, I speak Spanish. When a Spanish speaking rep gets on, I speak English.

Sometimes, when bill collectors call, I let them talk to the boy. He has lots to say about his butt.

Sometimes, I have Brussels sprouts for breakfast.

Sometimes, I wonder about all the scary movies I’ve purposely not seen because hello, I’ve already seen The Exorcist.

Sometimes, I want to upgrade my phone but can’t convince myself the amount is worth it.

Sometimes, I hate having to choose a lower priced item that ultimately proves to be lower quality but — LOWER PRICE. 

Sometimes, I get angry about the amount of information about my life that others can access (example: requesting a credit report and Equifax asks if I have a cousin with the last name of ________. WHAT? I haven’t talked to her in 8 years. How is that person even connected to me credit-wise?)

Sometimes I say I’m done with something that I know is not good for me, and well, no.

 

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Comments

  1. Tears of laughter are falling in my veggie soup. This is fantastic. I love speaking spanish and then english. And of course, the boy and his butt. Mine would go on about everything being poopy.

    But the most bizarre thing is I used Brussels sprouts in my post today and I’m still not sure I spelled it right (is it Brussels sprouts, Brussel sprouts, why do I have to capitalize Brussels when I am using it to describe a vegetable that’s in my NYC Korean deli?)

    • It’s funnier because my Spanish is rough. I do, however, speaka the perfect Engalish.

      I remember choosing them as a project in a high school history class. I think it’s Brussels because they originated in Belgium, but I can’t remember! High school information retention is stupid.

  2. Ohmagosh, the deodorant one. While I’ve never done that myself (I have a sweating “issue” so I have stacks on stacks on stacks of deodorant), I have used his shower gel (yes, he uses a gel, with a pouf) and thought the same thing. Also, sometimes, when people call for my relatives, I say I don’t know them, but sometimes? I say I do and give them their real number. Seriously, don’t give out my number son.

    • Ha. Please don’t tell anyone else how to find me (chances are, they already know, so they’re just using you! YOU’RE BEING USED! DON’T FALL FOR IT!)

  3. I love this post. You are a powerful and funny writer.

  4. I’m not sure I understand why you would ever, ever eat brussel sprouts for breakfast. And I like them. For dinner. :)

  5. I have deodorant in my car, on my desk and a mini one in my purse. I forget to put that stuff on all the friggin time! I am forever doing the “raise your hand if you’re sure” commercial where the people start to raise their hand and then have to put it back down because well, they weren’t sure and they were stinky!

    • I have one at work but I think it dried out or someone stole it, I can’t remember which but it’s gone. I don’t understand how I’ve gotten to damn near 40 and still forget to do simple things I get on my girls about not doing.

  6. Sometimes I do a whole lot of the same thinking as you.

    But the brussel sprouts for breakfast? I don’t know, Arnebya. That’s talking crazy now!

  7. The student loans? Seriously. I’ll be paying those off ten times as long as I was actually in school. And the English/Spanish thing is hilarious.

  8. Oh I totally make up stories for people too! I like doing it when in a restaurant. Shawn says I’m nuts…I tell him that I take a pill for that.
    I love brussel sprouts but ummmmm….breakfast?
    And black pants rule.

  9. I love this post. What a creative way to tell more about yourself. Yes, Facebook statuses that make me gag are the reason I’m hardly ever on my regular facebook page anymore. And girl, you gotta get over the fear and learn how to swim! So important. And I promise you’ll enjoy it!

    • Kathy, I force my kids to take lessons every summer. Thankfully they’re more comfortable in the water. I have a genuine fear and I can’t find an instructor to do one-on-one (who doesn’t also charge a fee high as a giraffe’s ass.)

  10. You just reminded me that I TOTALLY forgot to put deodorant on today!! His or mine! ha ha ha!!!

  11. Because recession, bitches. Hahahahaha. Yeah, that’s pretty much how I feel about my student loan bills. I’m always filling out the “not this year, guys” deferment paperwork.

    Yeah, but I’ve never, ever had brussel sprouts for breakfast. Ick. I’d lick the butter dish first.

  12. I’ve purposely not seen many, many scary movies, too. Real life is scary enough, no??

  13. This list is so fantastic I don’t even know where to start…

    I wouldn’t walk past the television for a week after seeing Linda Blair’s head turn around.

    I had Soph when I was 25, I may have been too young.

    It must be the brussels sprouts for breakfast and not drinking your breakfast that is the secret to your slim figure cause I’ve only tried one.

    And I didn’t think I could love you more.

  14. sometimes…i think you are brilliant. it’s true. sorry for the no caps thing, my computer is broken. it’s not that i’m trying o be artistic. anyway, i think i’m gonna have to steal this for a spin cycle topic. i promise i’ll give you credit.

    • I’m giggling still at your channeling e.e.cummings. And sure you can (I’m thinking of making it a weekly feature). I’d even submit to the SC (like I say I’m going to do every week) but this time I’d actually get it done!

  15. February is a long hard cold month. Your post is short, funny, and brutal. In a good way. The day I finally paid off my student loan (I have been out of school for a LONG LONG LONG TIME) I did a happy dance that may have ended in a bottle of vodka. Just saying. Also? Those who think having babies young will be singing out of the other side of their mouths when they see moi, who started at 36 & ended at 41, hobbling to her kids’ college graduations in a walker festively draped in balloons for the occasion.

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