Meh. I’m 39 today. I have lost the ability to look forward to birthdays, let alone mark them in any discernible fashion because, just, meh. Let me eat the frosting out of the can. Happy birthday to me, make it Duncan Hines Classic Creamy Home-Style Chocolate, not that new whipped crap.
What is it with the marking of another year that makes us spiral into questions about what’s it all for? Here I am, another year older, introspective about, well, everything. And I mean everything. I am trying, y’all, trying hard not to be cynical, not to be the I’m getting old, there are new lines under my eyes, my bones hurt when it rains person. But, oh, how I want to wallow in the truth that sometimes life sucks, sometimes we are penniless, hopeless, and out of ideas. Sometimes we look back on the previous year, the year that started out with so much determination, so many plans and committed utterances of “I got this” and realize I gots nothin’. At least, that’s where I am this year. This is not unlike all of the other years, though, so why let one day out of the year (a day when my mother actually did all the work) bring me down further?
I was going to make a list of all the things I don’t have but want, and compare it to all that I do have. But then I realized, what’s the point in pointing out what I don’t have? If I’m still actively pursuing those things, they shouldn’t be lumped into a category of “don’t have” finality. I’m going to use the word yet. I don’t have all of the things I want — YET. I’m not even going to list the things I want because that’d be like my trying to use Pinterest for a birthday party, recipe, or kitchen design ideas: positively torturous.
Four years ago I wrote this about my birthday. Last year I wrote this. This year here I am. What have I done? What do I have? Well, I have a home and family I love. I have this girl and this girl and this boy. I have a husband who I love to make laugh (and who knows there is really only one thing I want and that he is the only one person who can give it to me. I’m not likely to get it for my birthday this year or for Christmas or next year or the next or even ever. But he knows what it is at least and I hope these run on sentences make him feel very, very guilty). My children have both sets of grandparents, all within driving distance to drop the kids off on the porch, ring the bell, and run. Don’t worry; I gave them food. Please return my Tupperware.
I was a BlogHer Voice of the Year. My writing has been featured in the following places:
Holy hell, look, y’all! There is more in the what I have than the what I have not column. Huh. Looka there. It’s called the bright side. Nice to meet you; I don’t think we’ve met before.
* * * * *
Dear Me:
You are oftentimes worrisome, sorrowful, and frightened. You forget to look at what is in front of you, see what is more important than finances, job satisfaction, shoes, and wait, no, scratch the shoes. Shoes are damned important. Please find that DSW coupon you got for your birthday and use it (on yourself). You look at the glass as half empty wondering why in the hell you can’t keep even one glass of juice for yourself, just one, because COME ON, IT WAS JUST HALF FULL.
You are a loving, valued friend. You are a confidant, a listener, an unbiased advice giver. That’s the Libra in you: the ability to see a situation from various sides and be impartial. Your husband will disagree. Pay no attention to him; he’s wrong.
You are a fantastic mother. You are sometimes not that fantastic as a mother. But, you keep trying. That’s all that matters.
You are the best wife your husband could ever ask for. Ever. There is nothing else to be said here as this is absolute truth.
What? OK, hump him more. Happy?
You are a gifted writer. Please reread that as often as you need to to solidify that in your mind. You are a talented writer. Write more. Submit your writing more often to outlets that deserve to hear your voice. You are intelligent. As long as you aren’t asked anything about math, you are going to go so far. Keep writing. Submit what you write.
When I look at you, I see beauty, both inside and out. Even makeupless, squinting, and unsmiling.
Yes, you are a year older, but you are hot as hell for 39. All the construction workers think so. You may not have as much breast as you would like, but your husband has never complained (please refer to more humpage suggestion above). Yes, you have braces and your teeth will still not be straight when you get them off this year, but they will be straighter. This will make you hotter. It’s almost unbearable.
You are funny sometimes.
You have gorgeous hair!
Now, you should feel much better about where your life is headed, where you can take your life if you just SIT THE HELL DOWN AND WRITE.
Oh, and wash the dishes already. Those damn fruit flies ain’t gonna disappear on their own.
Love,
Me
ARNEBYA!!!!!!!!!!!!! TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY?? I’m not shouting! I’m excited. Guess what???????
TODAY is my birthday, too! I knew we had a vibe together!!!
See, Gina? I knew there was something!
Lady, you have SO got it right. You are an amazing writer. You are a fantabulous writer. I am in awe of your writing. It seems so…effortless.
You are also amazingly and fantabulously beautiful, so spot on. (I would say I am in awe, but why? I’m beautiful, too. ;-) )
Happy Birthday. Happy HAPPY birthday. Have a bite of frosting for me, pleez.
(And happy birthday, Gina, too. It’s my friend, Gina’s, birthday in Georgia, too. The day of the Ginas and Arnebya. Go figure!)
It’s funny b/c Gina and I hit it off. I think I found her from a comment she left on your blog awhile back and I’ve followed her ever since. And you know the frosting was all gone that same night.
Happy Happy Birthday! :) I love this. And it’s perfect timing as I’m speeding towards a milestone birthday of my own in a couple of months – I needed this perspective more than you know. Thank you. Can you pass me some frosting, please? ;)
Waiting for the Bus on Picture Day
Chocolate or vanilla? I seem to have some on reserve lately.
Happy Birthday!
The 40′s are the best damn decade – trust this old broad on that fact!! Your 30′s look pretty damn good so just imagine how awesome the 40′s will be. Trust me I do not lie.
And Arnebya – if you can find a doctor who will take some of my too big tits and give them to you – I’m willing. That will be my birthday present to you. I have always wanted smaller and you talk about wanting more. We can make history and make $$$$$ and rock our new breasts! We even live in the same general area – you’d think it’d be easy enough right? :-)
Don’t worry about washing those dishes. Just put them in the dishwasher. Unless you are like me and kept forgetting to unload the dishwasher.
Happy Birthday!
I AM the dishwasher!
hey hey happy birthday!
You are gorgeous! You are funny! You are incredible writer! You have a big heart and you can rock a pair of high heels like it is your business!
I hope your birthday was more than…meh! You deserve to have lots of laugh, hugs and fun!!
Thanks, Kristen. It’s comments like this that make me believe all of that.
Happy birthday, you gorgeous woman! You look fabulous!
I am turning 37 in a week and I, too, am “meh.” Another birthday. But I am going to take your lead and run with it. For my birthday I’ll write a letter to myself. Maybe I’ll blog it, maybe not. Thanks for the inspiration.
Hugs and smooches,
JD
Share it or not, but believe it ALL!
Gah! Damn fruit flys are the bane of my existence right now. But on a happier note, Happy Birthday! You’re almost in the over 40 club, best club EVER! Love your letter.
So I’ve heard, Candace. So I’ve heard.
STOP making me love you more. Seriously, it’s like you want me or something.
Hope your birthday was amazing. 39 is pretty much when it all started going downhill for me – so really enjoy this year. ;)
xoxo
You know I want you. You and Rachel Maddow. Possibly together.
Will you PLEASE write my birthday letter, because DAMN, I want to have an awesome list like that. Also, if you can make me hot again, that would be great.
How can I hotter the hottest?
Happy Birthday!!! A little late, but that is okay I hope! I turn 40 next year. I am okay with it right now. Ask me in February and see what I say.
And your letter to yourself is perfect.
Thank you, Heather. And yes, we will both make 40 a terrific year.
Happy Birthday, beautiful woman! Excellent letter to yourself. But I, at my advanced age, want to add something. Over the next ten years or so, you will grow and evolve so much, that you’ll look back at 39 and think “Gah! I didn’t know anything!”. You have accomplished a tremendous amount, but more importantly you have much more that you WILL accomplish. And you’re right – submit your work!
Huh. I’ve heard that before, that I still don’t know shit. Bring it.
I love you because you are so real about yourself and so real to us.
Have yourself a wonderful birthday friend. PS. If you stop having birthdays after 25, it makes you feel that much more better.
IS THAT WHY YOU’RE STILL 25? You look it. And I loves you back.
Glad you went with the “what I have” list instead of the “what i don’t have”. Birthdays are double edged swords for a lot of us – feeling grateful and unaccomplished at the same time.
You sort of rock.
Also – thanks for the reminder to hump my husband more.
All of the husbands owe me residual monies! Royalties?
Happy Birthday.
Now I’m dying to know what you want from your husband. :)
Hope you have a wonderful year.
If I say it out loud it may lessen its happening. You know, the whole don’t tell your wishes belief.
Happy belated birthday! If you think 39 is awesome? Just wait til 40. You get full rein to not give a flying fart anymore.
My farts pretty much don’t care where they fly now, Sue.
You rock mama! And you DO have gorgeous hair…
Thanks, Andie. It took a long time to appreciate it.
Hope you had a great birthday babe. I loved sharing the stage with you this summer as BlogHer VOTYs. Love this letter and… Damn, you ARE hot for 39 (or any age)!
Aren’t I, Varda! And you! I was overwhelmed on that stage, especially with so many talented people. But I will forever be grateful for the relationships it gave me, yours included.
Hot, full stop. None of this self-effacing “… for 39″ crap. It’s not fair that you’re so hot and such a good writer to boot. But hey, we all can’t have it all. (Loved sharing the stage with you, too, btw.)
And I with you, Susan. Also, you’re pretty hot your damn self.
Happy belated birthday.
You ARE an amazing, gifted writer. One I am thrilled to know. Your talent is incredible [as is your hot, sassy, self] and you make the world a far better place just by being in it.
Thanks for that. Seriously. [PS WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU GUEST POSTING ON MY BLOG? DO YOU HATE ME?]
You ain’t had askded me to write nothing for you, sooooooooo.
I am so gonna feel you up in Chicago.
Happy very belated birthday to one of my favorite new “finds” this year. Love your humor, love your snark, love your heart. Congrats on turning 39 (whipersnapper bitch) and for all you’ve accomplished this year! You deserve it all.
HA this made me laugh for I’m is a spring chicken! And truly, your blog is one that I don’t think I could go without now.