According to my chart, I’ve been complaining about lightheadedness and dizzy spells for four years. At one point I had slight heart palpitations too. The doctor immediately had me wear a heart monitor. Its results showed nothing wrong with my heart. After that, my regular doctor seemed unconcerned about the dizzy episodes. Perhaps I was dehydrated. Maybe it was vertigo. Maybe an inner ear issue. It’s not your heart, so I’ve ruled out the biggest thing. Please leave my office now; I think you’re just crazy. Also, you drink too much.
Last week the dizziness had increased to a point where blurred vision accompanied it. I called the urgent care line that morning right after it happened:
Intake person: You need to come in immediately!
Intake person: How’s tomorrow at 8?
* * * * * * * * * *
New Dr: So, you’ve been dizzy. Describe it.
Me: Dizzy. Like whoooooooooo.
New Dr: I see. Any stress? How’re your eating habits? How’s work?
Me: Dizzy. Like whoooooooooo. Also, tipsy. I feel tipsy all the time even when I haven’t been drinking.
New Dr: How much are you drinking?
Me: I like ponies.
New Dr: Are you drinking daily?
Me: But sometimes ponies poop and I don’t want to clean it up. Just be pretty, ponies. I could totally mess up My Little Pony’s sales by introducing Pretty Ponies like Spongebob did with Pretty Patties. Except wait, his pretty patties turned the fisheses tongues and bodies different colors and I can’t secure insurance coverage for that kind of liability.
New Dr: I think it’s just fish. Maybes fishes. But certainly not fisheses.
Me: Um, I came here for medical advice for a very serious condition. I have a bleeding aneurysm. Don’t talk to me about Spongebob. Where’s your degree? Do you have proof that you’re a doctor and not just playing one in my real life?
New Dr: Before coming to urgent care, did you call your regular doctor?
Me: She hates me because I’m black.
New Dr: Any nausea? Do you feel this way when you’ve eaten?
Me: Are you a Republican? You seem eager to question the legitimacy of my caloric intake.
New Dr: Your blood pressure is fine, so’s your temperature. Let’s test your resting blood pressure though. Lie down and I’ll take it and then I’ll have you stand and redo it to see if there’s a significant change. It may be mild vertigo or something out of whack with your inner ear.
She leaves and I reminisce about how Yoplait yogurt makes me remember the goodness of eighth grade.
New Dr: All of your lab work from the last time you came in looks good but I’ll have you go to the lab to check for any changes. Have you been taking the vitamin D supplements? That was the only thing of concern the last time you visited.
Me: Yes, it’s called sun.
New Dr: There’s no change in your blood pressure. Let’s talk again about your eating habits. I really think these episodes of dizziness are hypoglycemic episodes.
Me: Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve already accurately diagnosed myself with an aneurysm. I need a CT scan.
New Dr: WebMD?
Me: No, bitch, I read. Also, Google because no matter what symptoms you put into WebMD, you’ll have TB. Every time.
New Dr: How much water are you drinking? Are you exercising?
Me: I haven’t had a Pepsi in three weeks. I like to watch the yoga videos I have.
New Dr: Your BMI is 17.8. Anything under 18.5 is considered underweight. I think you need to change your eating habits, eat more small meals per day rather than a straight three, including more whole grains, foods that don’t metabolize too quickly. Don’t skip breakfast. You’re one of those people who can truly “eat anything.” Your blood sugar is becoming low mainly during the day at work rather than at home, and rarely on weekends, because at home you have better access to food and snacks. You need to drink more water because dehydration causes dizziness too.
Me: If I die tomorrow from an aneurysm you are going to feel really shitty.
* * * * * * * * * *
Turns out I’ve had fewer dizzy spells since eating each meal followed by a light snack an hour or two later. That doctor might have been on to something, although I still want to see her license because she dismissed the CT scan necessity too quickly for my liking. I’ve increased my water intake and rather than walk around the building once a day, I walk down the street and around the corner, (and there’s that one day I even broke into a light jog when I realized the dude who sits on the curb at the corner store was walking behind me). The aneurysm I’m still
convinced pretty kind of sure I have has not killed me YET, NEW DR.
This week’s writing prompt was 4) Write about something that complicates your life.