According to my chart, I’ve been complaining about lightheadedness and dizzy spells for four years. At one point I had slight heart palpitations too. The doctor immediately had me wear a heart monitor. Its results showed nothing wrong with my heart. After that, my regular doctor seemed unconcerned about the dizzy episodes. Perhaps I was dehydrated. Maybe it was vertigo. Maybe an inner ear issue. It’s not your heart, so I’ve ruled out the biggest thing. Please leave my office now; I think you’re just crazy. Also, you drink too much.
Last week the dizziness had increased to a point where blurred vision accompanied it. I called the urgent care line that morning right after it happened:
Intake person: You need to come in immediately!
Me: OK
Intake person: How’s tomorrow at 8?
* * * * * * * * * *
New Dr: So, you’ve been dizzy. Describe it.
Me: Dizzy. Like whoooooooooo.
New Dr: I see. Any stress? How’re your eating habits? How’s work?
Me: Dizzy. Like whoooooooooo. Also, tipsy. I feel tipsy all the time even when I haven’t been drinking.
New Dr: How much are you drinking?
Me: I like ponies.
New Dr: Are you drinking daily?
Me: But sometimes ponies poop and I don’t want to clean it up. Just be pretty, ponies. I could totally mess up My Little Pony’s sales by introducing Pretty Ponies like Spongebob did with Pretty Patties. Except wait, his pretty patties turned the fisheses tongues and bodies different colors and I can’t secure insurance coverage for that kind of liability.
New Dr: I think it’s just fish. Maybes fishes. But certainly not fisheses.
Me: Um, I came here for medical advice for a very serious condition. I have a bleeding aneurysm. Don’t talk to me about Spongebob. Where’s your degree? Do you have proof that you’re a doctor and not just playing one in my real life?
New Dr: Before coming to urgent care, did you call your regular doctor?
Me: She hates me because I’m black.
New Dr: Any nausea? Do you feel this way when you’ve eaten?
Me: Are you a Republican? You seem eager to question the legitimacy of my caloric intake.
New Dr: Your blood pressure is fine, so’s your temperature. Let’s test your resting blood pressure though. Lie down and I’ll take it and then I’ll have you stand and redo it to see if there’s a significant change. It may be mild vertigo or something out of whack with your inner ear.
She leaves and I reminisce about how Yoplait yogurt makes me remember the goodness of eighth grade.
New Dr: All of your lab work from the last time you came in looks good but I’ll have you go to the lab to check for any changes. Have you been taking the vitamin D supplements? That was the only thing of concern the last time you visited.
Me: Yes, it’s called sun.
New Dr: There’s no change in your blood pressure. Let’s talk again about your eating habits. I really think these episodes of dizziness are hypoglycemic episodes.
Me: Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’ve already accurately diagnosed myself with an aneurysm. I need a CT scan.
New Dr: WebMD?
Me: No, bitch, I read. Also, Google because no matter what symptoms you put into WebMD, you’ll have TB. Every time.
New Dr: How much water are you drinking? Are you exercising?
Me: I haven’t had a Pepsi in three weeks. I like to watch the yoga videos I have.
New Dr: Your BMI is 17.8. Anything under 18.5 is considered underweight. I think you need to change your eating habits, eat more small meals per day rather than a straight three, including more whole grains, foods that don’t metabolize too quickly. Don’t skip breakfast. You’re one of those people who can truly “eat anything.” Your blood sugar is becoming low mainly during the day at work rather than at home, and rarely on weekends, because at home you have better access to food and snacks. You need to drink more water because dehydration causes dizziness too.
Me: If I die tomorrow from an aneurysm you are going to feel really shitty.
* * * * * * * * * *
Turns out I’ve had fewer dizzy spells since eating each meal followed by a light snack an hour or two later. That doctor might have been on to something, although I still want to see her license because she dismissed the CT scan necessity too quickly for my liking. I’ve increased my water intake and rather than walk around the building once a day, I walk down the street and around the corner, (and there’s that one day I even broke into a light jog when I realized the dude who sits on the curb at the corner store was walking behind me). The aneurysm I’m still convinced pretty kind of sure I have has not killed me YET, NEW DR.
This week’s writing prompt was 4) Write about something that complicates your life.
Could someone out there PLEASE find an [easy, non-invasive, cheap] medical procedure to combine people with your metabolism with people of mine (Metabolic Transfer?), thereby making it easy for you to not be dizzy and easy for me to get somewhere within calling range of my goal weight? Doesn’t seem quite fair…
I remember asking if the boob filling from breast reductions could be implanted into women (OK, into ME). Encase it in something non-plastic that won’t kill me but that has got to be way better than silicone. Non-invasive is good.
This made me smile and laugh all the way through … thanks for sharing a little bit of your craziness with us! :)
Visiting from Mama Kat’s :)
You crack me up. EVERY. TIME!
So funny! My dad is always on the computer with the slight ailment that any of us have. I can’t tell you how many emails I get from him diagnosing one of us. He thinks that WebMD is his license.
Glad to hear you just need to take better care of yourself and not leave yourself for last anymore. Also, this is documentation if you ever need to sue NEW DR. ;-)
Okay, I’m a little worried about your health but this account of your woes? Was hysterical! You have great comedic timing!
I’m laughing about it, but I’m worried too. You know how you know your body, you know when something is wrong (like when you KNOW you have a yeast infection and the nurse is telling you you have to come in for the doctor to examine you anyway although you’ve had your vagina for longer than the doctor has been looking at others’ vaginas so you kinda know when it’s a yeast infection and when it’s chlamydia? Wait…) Anyway, I KNOW something is up. I just need to find a doctor willing to do a CT scan to confirm the goddamn aneurysm.
You are hilarious. I swear you are my twin!! LOL! I was looking up symptoms of adult add and I came across this blog (a posting from march 2011). Then the above posting about you having the recent dizzy spells…all of this sounds like what i have encountered lately. The doodling, and baby kolas pooping on people’s arm during a meeting. I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself…all while my lab reports for class are sitting here staring a hole in my temple. I am just glad to have come across another human that shares a like attention span as I do! YOU ROCK LADY!! You’ve definitely earned a reader!
Tamara, I’d forgotten about the koala! He still comes around sometimes, but he’s been away recently. I hope you find out the cause of whatever ailments you’ve had recently; I hope they aren’t serious. And yes, there is ALWAYS someone else out there just as, um, unique! as you.
I get this dizziness sometimes. I know mine is from dehydration and drops in blood pressure. I drink more water, try to eat better, and it goes away.