When I think back on my childhood, I honestly don’t remember much. I remember playing The Gong Show with my sisters and cousin, singing into the removable canopy holders from my oldest sister’s bed. I remember the beaded necklace that lit up that my mother despised. I remember that the fastest way to get popped would be to get caught eating anything before dinner (especially three bread and butter sandwiches). What is more telling is what I don’t remember: I don’t remember arguing with my sisters. Sure, I was three years younger than each of them, but we’d had to have disagreed on some things, right? Until my mother started bringing out photos after I had my first daughter, I’d assumed my sisters and I weren’t close as children or didn’t get along. The pictures tell a different story: there are pictures of my sisters holding me, smiling at me, sitting in a pool with me. We are together in every picture. Every picture. Yet, I literally do not remember having a conversation with my oldest sister until I was 18. She was 24.
My sisters and I are close now (I suppose we were close as children; I simply can’t remember it). My daughters were close once. Unfortunately, at 11 and 8, the harmony has been lost, replaced with mean girl eye rolls, angry stares, pushes, snatches, screams. I naively hadn’t anticipated this. Disagreements, yes, strife and potential arguments over clothes or the television or who gets to do what when, sure. But this intense dislike? This is foreign and I feel like I’m not doing or saying things that will make their relationship right again.
My older daughter thinks her sister is a brat. My younger daughter thinks her sister is the greatest thing since lip gloss. My older daughter tolerates her sister. My younger daughter is starting to lash out because she feels as though her sister only tolerates her. She’s also the middle child, which I guess I’m supposed to factor into their relationship. Right now, I’m nearly at my end.
Their bickering is like a slap in the face. I know kids don’t always get along, but my kids weren’t supposed to fall into that category. Haven’t I taught them to cherish one another, that a sister is for life, a sister has your back, your sister should be your best friend, your first friend, the one you know will be there for you no matter what? Your sister will fight the neighborhood bully for you, braid your hair when you can’t reach the back section, give you Life Savers when you fall off the Big Wheel and your whole left big toe toenail peels off. Your sister will tell you about cramps and boys and sneak Miller Lites for you. Haven’t I shown them how sisters should behave, how much I adore my sisters, how we can go days without speaking and then the time melts away the minute we reconnect? I am doing something wrong. Before you correct me and say I can’t make them like each other or that all siblings fight, know that I know this. This isn’t a woe is me, parenting is hard deal. This is a how the hell do I rekindle that love, that fierce protection, that sisterly bond they used to have that somewhere, for whatever reason, has disappeared?
There are times they appear to be unable to be in the same room together. They rarely play together now (sure, there is nearly a three year age difference, but they still have things in common). They argue over whose turn it is on the computer, what to watch on TV, who’s showering first, what to have for dinner, whose pink sock the other is wearing (when they have identical pairs). I truly never imagined there would be a day when they would not get along. That sounds irritatingly optimistic to admit, but it’s true. To me, it’s an automatic, a given that we love our siblings, we are a family, we act accordingly. It’s not even a question. Arguments, disagreements, fights, yes, but ultimately there is a loyalty so unwavering that nothing can pierce it. This wasn’t something my mother told us or tried to teach us or had to remind us of. So why don’t my girls automatically exhibit it?
It hurts when they dismiss one another or opt to do something one knows the other has no interest in, only because they’d rather be separate. While I get the desire to not always do everything together, I just don’t get when that shift occurred, that I’d rather you not be around me, that I don’t like her feeling. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to realize that your once very attached children may not even like each other? We’ve tried games where we go around the table and name something we like about each other. They seem hard pressed to come up with something and that makes me want to cry for them (and possibly beat them upside the head with rolled up magazines because seriously? One thing? You can’t name one thing?).
Do I force them to do more things together? Do I think up strategies to get them to acknowledge the likability/strengths/wonderful qualities in each other? Do I make them write I love my sister 500 times? I must be doing something wrong.
Last week they argued so horribly I could think of nothing else to do or say other than sit together, touching. Feel your sister against you. Did I think some magical force of energy was going to swell between them and everything would go back to “normal”? Please. They acted like the other had a flesh eating disease that could be contracted through skin to skin contact.
I was making dinner and left them on the sofa so long they fell asleep (thighs still touching).
While they didn’t argue the rest of the evening (and that was notable and acknowledged), I can’t duct tape them together as a reminder to stay close and cherish sisterhood. I love my sisters more than Cool Whip. This may not be the way I feel all the time because how can you not remember to bring back my Tupperware ever? But outside of all the times that I may be irked by either or both of them, the love is still there. I look at my girls looking at each other and I see no love sometimes and damn. Just damn.
How can I get them to remember to be gentle to one another, respectful, loving, caring — sisters? There has to be a way to make this right. Now.
Oh my heart. My heart. You know how much they love each other. They do. Sometimes I’m surprised that my brother and I didn’t kill each other when we were growing up. We fought so hard – physically and emotionally. My parents ended up having to send us on separate vacations because we needed to be apart. Now I love that man so much that I cannot imagine the fights we had or why.
Love you.
This too shall pass – I remember fighting horribly with my older sister (she’s only a year older than me, but sometimes she would lord it over me like it was a big banner of big sisterhood where she gets to order me around). ;) But now? We’re the closest we’ve ever been and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I say that in the hopes that Princess Nagger and Little Dude will like each other as they get older – right now? Not so much. They do have a 5 year difference between them, and since Little Dude came to us not quite a year ago, it’s been a major adjustment for Princess Nagger to not be the only child any more. :) This is the time where your daughters are trying to find their individuality as their own person vs. as sisters. It will get better. ((HUGZ!!))
Mount Rushmore vs. Mother Nature
I am so upset over this. My girls are so close in age to yours and my heart is breaking thinking of them taking this turn. I do hear it is common as the older one is trying to find her way in the mature world but I hoped it wasn’t so common as to swallow up my girls. Can we just blame this on the heat and act like everything will be fine when the temps get into the 70s?
Seriously though, I feel for you. Reach out if you need me. I may not have the answers but I have a pretty good ear. xo!
Ah, I’m coming upon this. I have an almost 7 year old and 2 year old. The 2 year old wants to do everything the 7 year old does, which drives the 7 year old nuts. But 7 still loves 2. And says so often. Unprompted. So I’m hopefully they will have a good relationship growing up and have wonderful memories. I know there will be fights, but I’m praying they will end up liking each other.
My sister and I (13 months apart) have some good memories growing up, but I also remember the fighting. We get along now and I love her like only a sister can, but honestly, I still don’t always like her very much. We live in different cities and have completely different lives. We would never be friends if we were blood. It does make me sad and so I try to find ways to figure out how to help my daughters become friends.
As an only child raising an only child…I’ve got nothing. Except that as an only child I always wished desperately for a sister, and it would make me mad when I saw two sisters arguing because I was sure that I would never treat MY sister that way. Which is, of course, nonsense. Honestly, I think it’s a phase. If you can just figure out a way to tune them out when they get out of control!
I wish I had something to offer here. Only a friendly ear and the hope with you that they grow back together. You are an amazing person and an amazing mother. I can feel it in the words that come from your page and from the things you chose to capture in life. xo, my friend… xo
I think I get how you’re feeling. Sometimes it seems that my 3yr old and 4yr old seem much closer than the 4yr old and 5yr old. I want them all to be close and have a bond that is stronger than anything and always know they have each other no matter what.
it’s easy to say that all kids fight and it’s a phase, but it’s also easy to worry and think about how we could be (or not be) doing something different to promote that feeling of love we want them to have. I do the same thing…wondering what I can do because I want them to like and love each other.
I don’t have any good answers but just letting you know you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Sometimes it staggers me how similar we are. My sister couldn’t stand my presence, except for a 2 year stint when I was 21.
My girls get along okay, but when I catch the older one being mean to the younger (which is totally normal sister behavior at times) I FLIP out. Totally lose my shit. It’s the one thing that just triggers this irrational response from me.
Love the picture.
When my brother and I were younger, and we’d fight in the backseat of the old Volvo, my Dad used to punish us by making us each look out of our own window (forbidding us to talk). It always made us want to connect again (if just to defy him). But I LOVE your idea of having your girls sit together and touch in some way….brilliant!! What a gentle, thoughtful, creative idea!
I did wonder whether forcing them together or forcing them apart would work best. I’m still working on it. They have a tendency to pick at each other and contrary to my older daughter’s belief, I do not automatically take her sister’s side “just because she’s younger.”
I have twins, when they were small and I was reading both the books about raising twins, research was cited that indicates that the sparring and the bickering may be for the purpose of establishing boundaries between them because they are SO close. Could the same be true of your girls?
As for right now, do whatever it is you do when you are training behavior. The reason you and I are civilized human beings is because “Mama Don’t Play’. People who are taught learn. They may take it underground like you and your sisters did. ‘Circle of Life’ style.
That pic reminds me of my girls.
My sister and I fought horribly for years. We basically didn’t get along until she left for college. Now we are the best of friends and closest of sisters.
My two daughters are the exact same age apart as my sister and I were growing up, ironically. And guess what, they don’t get along. At all. My husband and I are emotionally exhausted from the constant bickering and interventions to keep them from killing each other. My youngest daughter sported a deep gouge on her face from her sister’s fingernails through an entire vacation with my family. When I look at pictures from that summer vacation I am reminded with every photo of poor Marissa’s face.
Yet we are trying the same thing you are, to remind them that they only have each other, they only have one family, and that some day they will appreciate each other. I feel your pain, though.
Seriously, what else is there to do? I hope it works in both our favor, our attempts at getting them to see that “sister” supersedes everything else.
I am sure all sisters go through that face. There are plenty of moments like the one you snapped that make you remember their love for each other. Lovely post!
This is terrible. I am not looking forward to the possibility of my boys doing this to each other. I would want to kick some serious tail, but it seems like there is nothing you can do. Maybe keeping them apart until they missed each other….? Yeah, I have no idea. Obviously they will be close one day, its just how long between now and then before that happens.