This Is How I Feel

It’s been an up and down kind of month. I think this is normal. I have highs and lows. That’s normal, right? To know that I have much about which I could bitch, but to remember and acknowledge that there are others in the world so worse off that my petty I hate my hair feelings deserve a Will Smith to crazy kissing reporter-like backslap? It has to be normal.

I mean beyond the ordinary I hate my job, maybe it’s PMS, naps are needed in the workplace kind of ordinary.

It is the routine, I think. And bills (how do those bastards keep finding me?). It’s worrying about mundane crap. It’s society and crying babies and why are the avocados so mushy so fast and dryer sheets that say unscented should actually be sans odor and why do they keep making scented feminine hygiene products if they’re supposed to be bad for our feminine, um, parts?

I took this picture in my bathroom on Mother’s Day. I don’t know what had made me sad. Was it the fact that outside of hello I hadn’t exchanged words with my mother? Was it that I thought everyone hated the greens but no one wanted to say so? Was it that it was Sunday and getting late and I hadn’t done anyone’s hair, let alone my own (see picture above where I dare 1976 to say it did it better).

What gets me is that I simply can’t seem to find a reason for the mood fluctuations. Is Mercury in retrograde? Do I eat too much salt? Did I just make up salt playing a role in my demeanor? I want to understand me. I want me to explain me to me. But the people in my head are all like, dummy, it’s us and we aren’t going to tell you anything about why we sometimes act like we just had the best crack ever. And then those bitches high five each other, except the clumsy one. She always misses and hits someone’s wrist.

My posts have been sporadic at best lately. I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing in this space, what I have to offer, who reads, and why. I’m getting closer, I know. I went to a blog conference last weekend (more on that tomorrow). I walked away with way more questions than answers, but I’m so glad I went.

Once I figure it all out (and I know I will!), and tell the people in my head so we can all be on the same page STOP LAUGHING YOU WENCHES, I’ll pass it on to you.

Way to close uncrazy, me.

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  1. Even when you are grumpy, and I can tell you’re struggling here, you are still funnier than shit to me. It’s just the way you say things. Makes me smile even though I know you are sad. I hope you can understand that. I don’t find your troubles funny but you, the person really are and you have a way of getting it all across.

    First of all…love your hair! What I wouldn’t do for volume on this bone straight head of hair. The kids get easier as does life with them (we’ve talked about this before). Sorry about the job stuff. And mother’s day, how is it for us anyway. Seems to be about everyone else!

    I’ve missed reading you!!!

  2. I don’t know your age but I can tell you this is hormonal.
    I went through this for about 8 years leading up to menopause.
    In fact I never got to menopause because I couldn’t stand how I felt.
    Yes, it is just like PMS in so many ways.
    It can be cyclical at first and then the damn pest stay around longer and longer –
    I found a great doctor and I went on bio-identical hormones.

    A life saver and changer and wondered why the hell I had waited!!!!
    I was depressed, then I’d have what I referred to as light anxiety(my hubby called it paranoid), then I was pissy.
    I didn’t sleep well either. I hated everything and everybody. It was so unpleasant for me let alone those who loved me. To most I seemed just fine because I worked so hard at struggling through this.
    I didn’t feel fine I was just “off” a bit. But it was a slippery slope.

    I had to stop taking mine recently for some tests. You can see the difference in my posts!
    Why women refuse to take of this in this manner always confuses me.
    You’ll feel 20 yrs younger and I was in my early 40′s when I began this journey.
    And if I am honest with myself I really began some of this in my late 30′s.

    So that is my humble opinion take it if you would like.
    I hope you are back to your old self soon.

  3. Hello, do I know you? You sound like me….I can’t even go there with a percentage.

  4. It’s so hard. All of it. The housekeeping, the mothering, the self care.

    For me, it’s that awful self talk that tells me everyone does it better than I do.

    SO much to do, SO little time, SO much to pay for, So little money.


    Here’s hoping you can figure it out. And me, too.


  5. Wow. I was just sitting here, nursing an uncharacteristic headache, worrying about how the hell I’m going to pay the plumber who is under my kitchen sink at this very moment, and feeling exactly what you just said. There are ups and downs. And yes, it is hormones. You know, you should totally submit this to me as a Spin Cycle post! The topic this week is Things I Hate. Let me know.

    • Sure, Gretchen. If it’s not too late, I’ll submit it for the Spin Cycle. Interestingly, I was all ready to submit a really hate-filled tirade but when I sat down to write it it just felt…wrong.

  6. First of all, if that’s a bad hair day, then I’m here to tell you that I think it looks really beautiful. It reminds me of the early 80′s Diana Ross. And Mother’s Day, I think we all get a little moody on Mother’s Day. It’s like a birthday. We all have such high expectations even though we know x, y and z. As for this space, I hope that you know that all of us that visit love the mark that you are leaving here. HUGS.

  7. Girl! I love your hair. Seriously. And… what I don’t know if people realize… but I didn’t realize you were like 5’2” until this past weekend. I kept looking for the tall person!!!! :) Anyway – I know you are struggling. And you are going to find it. But your snarkiness… just that little bit – is perfect. xo

  8. I love that even with all *this*, you still show up. You’re still putting it out there, you’re still participating in the world, and you’re even asking questions about “big picture” things?! Woman, you are light years ahead of me, and I am grateful for your honesty and courage. And did you just say that you went to a blog conference and ended up with more questions than answers?? Fuuuuuck. Really?? ;) PS: If I accidentally stick my finger straight through a too-smooshy to still be in the goddamn produce department avocado one more time, I’m going to throw one at someone. I hear ya :)

  9. I love your mind and the way it just wove this piece beautifully…even if you might not think it.
    I’m really sorry that you’re having a rough go. Those thoughts, the ones that make you look a million times worse than everyone else…will shut the hell up. Promise you that.
    Keep reminding yourself that these are moments and moments don’t last forever.
    PS. You have a sense of humour in all of this and I think that is awesome.

  10. I’ve been having crazy mood fluctuations, too. One day I’m up, the next day I’m down. And I’ve been in a total blogging funk – I don’t feel like writing, reading, responding to comments… none of it.

    It must be Mercury in retrograde. Because astrology is always the most practical explanation.

  11. I blame the hormone bitches for my moods…and that clumsy one, well, I think she lives with me, too; always bumping into stuff!

  12. I haven’t visited before, and hadn’t even started reading your post, but I’d already thought, “Wow, I love her hair.” So there’s that.

    Ups & downs. I try to keep an even keel but, well, it does not happen.

  13. I hate the fluctuations in my moods and the the way I feel. Why can’t I just be happy? Stupid hormones. So easy to blame, so hard to manage.

  14. I want your hair. And your humor. And your huge heart. Also, I hate May. I think May kind of sucks. Love you. xo

  15. I love your hair! But I’m right there with you on the naps. I think they should be universal!

  16. I adore you.

    I just thought you should know.

    I know it’s tough. I feel it through your amazing writing. But still…know you’re adored by some strange woman across the country who only knows you through the wires (and wirelessness) that is the Interwebs.

  17. Wow. I was just thinking this same shit yesterday (for years but most recently yesterday). Of this other person living in my mind and body. Now I’m really wondering about it. How many other people actually feel this same way and never say a damn thing?! Thank you for making not feel alone!

    • I think there’s a large stigma to saying anything, Vanessa. So, we shut up about it. And then it gets worse. I don’t know where this will lead for me, but I know that the first step was actually saying the words out loud that this is how I feel sometimes. My guess: it’s the same for damn near everybody, at least at times.

  18. I just found you via Jia, and have been working my way through your impressive body of work. I love your voice and humor, and your deeply honest look at motherhood. I also have what is probably an unhealthy amount of envy of your hair and body type, (seriously, your doctor telling you to eat more? That is my DREAM medical advice!) and would consider trading my oversized boobs for hair like yours in a heart beat. (but in a theoretical sense, not in a creepy “craigslist horror story” way!) I can’t wait to read more!

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