Claire Bidwell Smith’s memoir, The Rules of Inheritance, is a touching testament to how grief can change us, our outlook, our path in life. It explores death, our reactions to it, the stages of grief, and how different people deal differently. Claire’s story is one of such immense loss — the deaths of her parents, both from cancer — that the reader is left rooting for her, cheering her on when she makes steps in the direction toward healing. The description of her pain, the anguish she feels at trying to make a life for herself without a mother and then, without a father, is nothing short of breathtaking and raw.
Claire takes us through her destructive years after her mother’s death where she abuses alcohol and is promiscuous, wallowing in the grief being a motherless woman brings. She is distraught, lonely, an adult unable to fully function because of depression. Yes, she finishes school; yes, she maintains a job; yes, she has romantic relationships. But she is barely functional. She is afraid to leave her longtime boyfriend, is used to being in a relationship, cries herself to sleep many nights, and is simply lost. She travels, but is never content. Claire explains that her grief is palpable, always there, “whispers in my ear that no one understands me” (107). She hates herself, her life, her choices, feels abandoned. She has allowed the grief to define her life, doesn’t know herself without it. When she realizes there is another side of grief and that she has reached it, after the death of her father, it is clear that she has come full circle.
Claire so fiercely takes care of her father because of the loss of her mother, because she was not there, because she did not say words she wanted to say. She took the time to do these things with her father. Until she works with hospice, she doesn’t realize that helping others is her calling. Claire found strength and comfort when working with teens. That she would wind up a bereavement counselor is only fitting. Certainly it fills that space she must still subconsciously harbor for not having been with her mother when she died. She mentioned more than once that it was the least she could do to remain by her father’s side. Taking care of others in their times of need won’t bring back her mother or remove her absence from her mother’s death, but it brings support and solace to others who are grieving. This is evident on p. 288: “I can’t help feeling how connected we all are in life’s simplest pursuits.” Claire tells a story of being able to take the most horrific experiences (for her, the deaths of her parents) and turn them into an ability to help other grieving people. With hospice, she counsels others through their grief, knowing all too well what many are experiencing. It is wonderful at the book’s end to see her come full circle, to know that she will always mourn the loss of her parents, but that she is “no longer actively grieving” (294).
Indirectly, the book explores the mother/daughter relationship. How will losing her mother affect the way she parents, especially the way she parents a daughter? The book highlights the appreciation she holds for her friends and extended family — even though she felt lonely, she was never truly alone. The book deals with aappreciation of circumstances, of acceptance and moving forward.
Initially, I will admit to being put off by the lack of quotation marks. I got used to their absence. I also wanted to read how she transitioned through the stages of grief year by year rather than jumping between years. But I realized at the book’s close that it was much more powerful written the way that it was. Reading about her at 22 then at 14 was a wonderful glimpse into how she was feeling at one point in contrast to another. Many of the feelings she conveyed could have gotten lost if reading the years of her life in succession or chronological order.
She writes, “I see how fragile and how strong we all are.” Grief makes each of us fragile. Grief can also make each of us strong – stronger than we think we are. The book does an excellent job explaining how she learned the truth behind both of these statements.
Join our discussion of the book for the next month at http://www.blogher.com/bookclub/now-reading-rules-inheritance.
This is a paid review for BlogHer Book Club but the opinions expressed are my own.
