It was a routine appointment when the lump was detected. The first few days after, I would do a self exam just to find it again, consider it, wonder about it. And then the fear really set in. Mortality. What-ifs. There is no more space in my mind. Every corner is filled with thoughts of illness, unsuccessful treatments, medicines, death. The devastation my death would inflict upon my family, my husband, my children, the collectors whose calls I consistently don’t take. I am fully entrenched in I Can’t Do Anything About it But I Can’t Stop Thinking About it Either. I haven’t been able to bring myself to touch my right breast in over a week.
I am not done with my life yet. I can’t shake the feeling that this is not where I am meant to be, not how my life is meant to be unfolding. At 38, I am embarrassed to admit that I’m still waiting for the grown-up to come and deal with all these grown-up things that have been thrust at me: babies, husband, mortgage, sneaky right breast lumps. At 38, I wear a 32A bra. A well-padded 32A bra. This lump should be ashamed of itself. Haven’t I had to deal with the trauma of breasts smaller than my 11-year-old? There’s isn’t even enough breast tissue for a lump to be able to call itself cancerous and not be laughed at by all the other cancerous, death causing lumps. THEY’RE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU, SILLY TINY TITTY LUMP. You’re wasting everyone’s time. Just go away, please.
Please.
This could turn out to be nothing, just like last time. On the left five years ago. Or, it could be a bad but dealwithable something. Or a very bad and there’s nothing we can do, you’re gonna have to just go home and die something. The what-ifs have taken over. The why me’s are screaming incessantly. The it’s not fair, the please let it be nothing, the I love my children more than anything and dammit why didn’t I say yes to playing dolls or Uno as many times as they wanted. I know, I know! I sound defeated like I’ve already written farewell letters to my children. I am just realizing with a startling amount of “oh, shit!” the things I have yet to do with them.
Tomorrow morning I will have two sonograms: one of my right breast for the lump (THAT NO CANCER CELLS WANT TO HANG OUT WITH BECAUSE DAMN COULD YOU HAVE FOUND A WORSE BREAST) found during my annual exam (which is no longer annual because maybe women don’t actually need yearly pap smears. Those pesky women and their silly vaginal issues) and one of my heart. For months I’ve been experiencing palpitations, light headedness, dizziness, and shortness of breath. I wore a heart monitor for a few days that showed no change in rhythm, even when I manually recorded experiencing the weird symptoms. Dr. Google has convinced me I have a brain tumor. Or an unruptured aneurysm. Or something equally frightening and too-soon death causing.
I know it is pointless to wonder or cry or shake my fist at the wrongness of it all before I know what’s really going on. I know this.
And yet, I am scared.
Damn, am I scared.
Oh Arnebya. I know, I just know I say!!, that the lump will be nothing and that ur crazy so the other symptoms are just ur imagination. :-) Well, maybe not ur imagination but u will be fine!! I swear I know this!!! You are in my thoughts & prayers and if you need anything, a talk, ice cream, more tequilla?, let me know!! Many many hugs!! I know ur scared. But many people are praying and you know the power of prayer! I’ll be thinking about you today & crossing my fingers & toes but I know u will be fine!! More hugs!
i’m in your corner.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and everything else this weekend. I’ve got a lot of time to spend thinking about people these next two days, I’ll put you at the top. I hope neither of your little issues are anything more than that, little issues. Keep us posted!
I am scared for you too. (Sorry I’m not the uplifting type.) But I really hope it is nothing and that all turns out well. Will keep you in my prayers.
But thanks, because this made me laugh really hard. I’m not tne uplifting, glass half full type either. More like can I have your heels when you die and my glass is half empty and I’m still thirsty.
I am so sorry to hear all this.
I hope you get the news soon so you aren’t in this limbo state.
Some women just get these damn lumps….I am praying that is just what this is!
Prayers are comin’ your way.
Please know that God has you covered.He has declared a clean bill of health upon your body. So you go forward in life and enjoy your family to the fullest. You remain in my prayers.
Tiny. I repeated this to myself all day long and it truly helped put me at ease during the appointments.
We can put Grandma on the prayer line. You know she has a special connection to Him!! Her wishes always seem to be his command! The girls are likely just having a growth spurt.
You always seem to take things on with humor. I can feel your fright. Special prayers will be said for you by me for a positive outcome.
I am sending up prayers for you. I would be scared too.
Oh man, I know how scared you must be. I’m saying prayers for you out here in CA. When I hear this kind of thing I always want to be helpful (my mother in me), maybe babysit, or make you a ham or at least bring over a nice bottle of wine. But since I’m on the other side of the country, prayers are the best I can do. Let us know how things go! I feel confident!
Oh geez. I’ve been out of town for the past week, or I would’ve been all on top of leading your cheering squad. Consider me on it as of now, though.
Rah rah!
I’m so sorry the lump and fear are there. I wish I could DO something. Other than send rah-rah’s and white light and all of that.
What did the sonograms say???
xoxoxo,
A