We don’t eat fast food often. In fact, we eat out so infrequently that the kids consider it a treat. Tax refund already? While there is the occasional sit down fancy fare of IHOP, we typically like to show our kids how to really live it up with some good old McDonald’s. We just don’t do it often. Gone are the days of my youth when my sisters and I would spy the golden arches and simply know what was for lunch. Because we ate it every day. Every day. Really, Mother? Did peanut butter and jelly not exist for you?
My poor underprivileged kids who don’t know who Hamburglar is simply hold their breath and cross their fingers in the hopes that we will turn into the drive thru. Usually we don’t. McDonald’s clearly wants us to do it even less.
We recently decided to cave and let the girls spend their own money on lunch at McDonald’s. We never eat inside (you know, that fine line of eating the food but not dining inside so no one will see us eating the food), so when my husband got back to the car and began to dole out the gateway drug to obesity, we found there was no happiness in the happy meals. First, there was something strange about the fry boxes. They were tiny. Like less than toddler sized tiny.
In addition to the abnormally small sized boxes of fries were apple slices. Because everyone wants apples with their fries. And the kicker? There was no toy. Motherfuckers.
OK. I get it. Pressure from health advocates have forced McDonald’s to feel like it’s their fault the world is fat. The world is fat because the world is greedy (much like rich rappers rapping about all the things they have that I want and don’t have. Shut up, rappers. You’re making the world greedy. And possibly fat because we overeat at the thought of your riches garnered solely from rapping. And lying about coke dealing). The community of plastic haters has also convinced McDonald’s that giving toys to children makes the children want the food more. Newsflash, toy haters: just tell your kids no. Because it’s you feeding crap to your kids every day, not McDonald’s. They learned it from watching you, OK!
My kids deserve those cheap plastic toys that I throw away a week later. They aren’t due for real toys again until December.
This isn’t the first time McDonald’s has pretended to care about the diets of the masses. It first happened in ’92 when they stopped frying the apple pies (I have Mrs. Smith for baked pies, assholes!). Since then, amid blame for the fatness of the world, they’ve tried to limit the salt use, offer salads, milk for the kids, smoothies, oatmeal. The world is making them think it’s all their fault. Right now the only thing McDonald’s is guilty of is robbing my toddler of his fries and robbing me by charging the same price but giving apple slices to compensate for the lack of fries. I have apples at home. What I don’t have at home and want you to supply IN THE ORIGINAL SIZE are the friggin’ salty fries.
Why do you hate my family, McDonald’s? We are not the people who have forced you into this corner. Our family eats healthily all the time. Except when we got to McDonald’s. Because then we’re not trying to be healthy. We’re trying to get our mmmm this is good and salty finger lickin’ on. My kid gets apples anytime he wants them. What you aren’t gonna do is deprive us of one of our Constitutional rights (#8. There is fine print for failing to provide an adequate amount of fries under cruel and unusual punishment. Look it up).
How I want to believe you are being noble, McDonald’s, taking the high road to better nutrition. I don’t. There must be an ulterior motive for this crime against humanity. Do you secretly want the unfat people to buy more (we have to, seeing how no self respecting secret McDonald’s fry eater can tolerate that baby sized box of fries). I’ve got it! World domination. You secretly want to make the world dependent on you. Well, I’ll tell you what. It’s not going to work. Not for my family. We are going to remain steadfast against your ignorant attempt to force feed us smaller amounts of fries for the same price as the original size. We don’t need you stinkin’ fries. We’re going to stop eating fast food altogether because all of the chain food factories are out to — wait, I can still buy a large fry? Oh. Um. Well.
Never mind. Is there ketchup?